Chapter 34 - 2 - First Ride
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First Ride
“The wind whistling across my bottle still can’t blow away the sorrow
That tomorrow you won’t be here with me
So I raise it up and toast the day we met
I won’t forget the way you love me, the amazing way you love me
It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
And when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet”
Edra thought being physically separated from her husband for three years, then matrimonily separated for another three, had been hard. But during that time, she had at least known he was alive. Being without him and knowing it was permenant was taking it’s toll on her. There were still many times she felt alone, even though she knew she wasn’t. The family, and those like family, made sure of that, and she was grateful. But no one could replace him.
And she missed him so much.
She missed talking to him. No, it was more like she missed conversations with him. She still talked to him, though it had taken a few weeks after his death for her to bring herself to do just that. Because talking to his spirit was, in a way, an admittance that the corporeal form was gone. And she hadn’t been able to do that at first. Prophets, it had taken prodding, and a sleep aid, for her to just sleep alone in their bed after he’d been found. Progress, if it could be called such, was definitely measured in baby steps.
She missed the physical contact with him, whether it was holding hands, his arms wrapped around her, or just the small gestures they use to do to show their love for the other. She missed being on the giving and receiving end of those gestures.
And she missed just being with him, within visual contact. Anything from him fixing some gadget while she made a meal, to stoking the fire while she read a book. Or their almost daily horseback rides together, sometimes just checking the property, sometimes a picnic lunch.
All of those things she couldn’t do anymore, because he was gone, and for however much longer she lived on, she’d never lay eyes on him again. It made each day a struggle to get though. Every waking moment was spent comparing what was happening then to how it would have been if he were here, or being reminded of something he did at some point in the past, or something he said. So each day felt as bad, sometimes worse, than the one before it, even if it wasn’t. Some days she felt she’d never get past his death, and the other days she adamantly refused to do so. Because in that state of mind, one equates getting over or past an event with forgetting it, and she could never forgive herself for such a thing.
On the other hand, she did some things strickly because continuing to do so felt like the only way to retain that link to him. So each day, after the first week without him, she saddled up Orpheus and rode some part of the homestead. Anywhere except for the field where she found him. That would have crossed the line from retaining his memory to reliving those last moments. However, being outside and walking the land was a comfort. It made her feel a part of it, rather than swallowed up by the enormity of it. And Orpheus was a suitable companion. He always had been.
But one morning shortly after making the rides on her own a daily routine, she was tacking up Orpheus and heard a thumping coming from somewhere in the barn. A short investigation revealed Zeus pawing at his stall door. She decided to let the large black stallion out into one of the paddocks, but as she was leading him from the stall to the outside, he halted in his tracks and peered past the other stalls to where Orpheus was tied up. He blew a breath out of his massive nostrils.
She felt as if she knew what he was saying. Before Henry had gone, whenever they rode together, the two horses were always saddled next to each other. Now, she’d been getting the bay gelding set up every day, while Zeus remained behind. “I’m sorry, boy,” she said to him as she pat his neck and stepped to continue toward the paddock. It was just one more thing that had to be done differently now.
Apparently, Zeus had a different idea. When she tried to lead him out of the barn he stayed put, looking at her, then swinging his head to peer back toward Orpheus, his ears facing forward. But when she looked at him she realized, he wasn’t just looking for his equine buddy, or a chance to go out. He was waiting for his partner to come around the corner and tack him up as well. Once again, as it did multiple times a day, her heart broke.
Normally, her philosophy about handling animals was much the same as raising kids. You were the parent, what you say goes, no ifs, ands, or buts. To casually cave into one demand would only serve to undermine discipline somewhere else. But today, as she watched his ears swivel, one then the other, listening for the ring of his boots, she couldn’t tell him no. So she led him down to the open stall across from Orpheus, listening to him softly nicker in satisfaction, then clipped him to the cross ties. Once there, she had to find one of the stable hands to saddle him up. She could lift her saddle onto her horse, but Zeus was a whole two hands taller, and that was more than she was able to handle.
Once they were both suited with saddles and bridles, and ready to go, she mounted Orpheus and took Zeus’ reins in her hands. She hadn’t planned on anyone riding him, but she decided she would take him out on her rides with them. So each day, late morning, she groomed and tacked them up, and the three of them rode to the far corners of the homestead, even to the kids’ lands sometimes. She’d pack a lunch and some treats for the boys in the saddlebags and eat when they got to their destination. The time was spent looking over the undeveloped land, frequently viewing some native wildlife that usually wasn’t even paying attention to them, then they’d head back to the stables.
It didn’t take long to see that Zeus still wasn’t happy. She first realized it when he stopped taking the treats, then realized that, even when they were out on the trails, he kept his head hung low. She tried to give him some extra attention when she groomed him before and after riding, but she knew the feeling. She understood. No one could take his place.
However, she couldn’t just leave him here anymore. She continued to tack him up with Orpheus. One morning, while getting his bridle, as she positioned herself next to Zeus’ head to slip it over him, he butted his head into her, almost knocking her over. When she recovered, she found him looking at her. And she looked back at him, possibly slightly cross. “Don’t you start giving me any sass now.” And when she stepped back to his side, he let her slip the harness over his head. The rest of the ride went by normally, and that seemed to be the end of that.
Until he did it again the next day, and the next. She hated to scold him too much, but even when she was expecting it, he could bowl her over. He was a large horse. But, he never did anything else to exert himself. Finally, before orienting herself next to him, she caught him before he could make a move. “Don’t even think about it!” she said as she countered the head butt. And this time he gently nuzzled her, then swung his head around to his side and back, looking at her. The gesture made her stop. Was he trying to tell her something? She wasn’t sure, so she moved back to his withers and ran her hands over his side, feeling for anything abnormal. Nothing seemed out of place, but when she stood back up, his head was turned to look at her, and he raised his nose toward her, blowing out a snort. He was definitely trying to tell her something. She tilted her head as she stepped toward his, and ran her hand from his muzzle up between his eyes and back. “What are you telling me?” She looked back to his midsection and returned to his eyes. “Are you saying you want me up on your back?”
In answer he pushed his nose into her chest.
She returned to grooming. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. There’s a reason you are…were his horse.
Again, he blew air out of his nose.
“You know darn well that you’re a handful.” She stated, pointing the curry comb at him.
From behind her his tail swished, just long enough to gently brush her arm.
“That only serves to prove me…” As she looked back up from brushing him, she’d felt certain that the conversation had all been in her head, and she was fitting her side of the dialogue to what she imagined him saying. But he was still looking at her, and she thought she saw longing in his eyes. For a rider? Possibly. Or was she still imagining it all. It was all in the angle he held his head, right? She sighed, realizing that she was caving, if it was even at all as her mind had played it out. “If we do this, you need to get a few things straight, mister.” She said as she came around to his front again, ducking around the cross ties. “First, I know you know I’m not him. You don’t try anything on me. Y’hear? If I sense you trying anything, we come straight back. Second, we go where I say. And third…well, I can’t think of a third thing right now. But if you bring one up, it’ll probably mean we’re coming back. Got it?”
In answer she got a gentle snort on her forehead. She sighed, not sure if she was asking for trouble.
As it turned out, she got more trouble from the two-legged inhabitants. The stable hands didn’t think it was a good idea for her to ride him, and they told her as much. Nobody else had ever ridden him because no one wanted to take on the beast. But the first remnants of her stubborn streak began to break through, and she insisted that she was going to sit on his back. She didn’t have to quite threaten their jobs when they gave in, and even if she had, it would have been in jest. She knew they were looking out for her. But she got the sense that Zeus needed this as much as she did her daily rides. She grudgingly gave in when they insisted she take a few laps around the ring where they could watch them together first, before they went off on their own. Apparently, that was the cost of getting someone to cinch her saddle on the tall animal’s back.
Before leading him out, she stopped by her horse’s stall and spoke to him. She wasn’t going to neglect him for this. He would get his daily ride too. The gelding didn’t even seem to be phased, which made her wonder again if their conversation had all been in her head. Either way, she knew Zeus had only been handled by Henry because he kept a tight rein, so to speak, on the horse, and Zeus never had to question who was in charge. That didn’t only refer to a physical bearing, but also a mental and even emotional one. Like other animals, horses could read body language, and if hers let on that he could take advantage, he would. So, she kept the defiant, but not hostile, attitude with her as she stepped up onto the mounting block and swung her foot over his back and into the stirrup.
Even though he wasn’t quite a foot taller than her own horse, she could feel the size difference, not only in how much higher she sat, but in the girth of his body. She kept her eye on him as she adjusted herself in the saddle. As if he knew what she was doing, his neck swung slightly to the right where that eye could look back at her. With the reins in her hand, she nodded to Charlie, who had been holding Zeus by the head as she got on. He only had a slightly worried look on his face as he let go, but it turned out to be for nothing. Her legs gave Zeus the command to begin walking and he proceeded forward. Another squeeze of her legs and he began to trot, and she posted in time with his gait. She guided him around the ring, past the worried hands, and put him through the rest of his gaits. Except for not wanting to slow back down, he was just about perfect. She sat back and reined him in as they returned to their audience. “Satisfied?”
There were nods of ascent, and she gave them her own nod. “Good. Then we’ll be off.”
“How long?”
It was Charlie asking that question. And as much as she hated them fussing over her, it was a good one. Especially given… “An hour. I imagine it’ll take us some time to get used to each other, so we won’t stay out long this time.”
Charlie nodded, and she turned Zeus around, one hand on her knee, and the reins in the other. As soon as they were out in the open, she breathed a sigh of relief. “I didn’t think they’d ever let us out.”
She wasn’t sure if his snort was in response to her, or getting outside. She did, however, realize that he was holding his head higher than he had in weeks, which made her smile.
Over the next week she continued the routine of taking each horse out. She traded out who got saddled first, making sure Orpheus wasn’t feeling left out. She kept Zeus out longer each day, getting them used to each other, and at the same time, keeping an eye on him. He was actually well-behaved for her, and she had to wonder if he just wanted to get out again, to carry someone again. There was some sense to it, as he would have been used to her being there. Perhaps to him it was a natural progression. She, on the other hand, was still getting used to the added height. She wasn’t uncomfortable, but the difference was noticeable.
Most times the first half of her day played out the same: get up, dress, eat, get one horse ready and ride, lunch, then get the other ready and ride. There was no doubt in her mind that the activity was helping her get through the days, weeks, even if she still felt the loss just as hard. And there were good days and bad days. And many times still, bad nights. It was the day after a particularly bad night when she let her mind wander while sitting atop Zeus. When she finally came out of her thoughts, she wasn’t immediately sure of where she was. It wasn’t a part of the property she was used to walking. And that was what caused her to realize where she was. The one area she’d refused to come back to. The one area she wouldn’t have recognized in the daylight.
The area she’d gotten to too late.
“This is your doing, isn’t it?” She said crossly to the stallion. She tried to ignore the hitch in her voice, but when one is alone, it’s much harder to hide from your thoughts. She blinked against her blurry vision, and tugged on the harness to turn Zeus around, except that he didn’t. She dug one heel into his side, the command for him to turn that direction, but he stayed where he was. She noticed his ears flicking forward and around, and his nostrils flaring. He was searching. He still didn’t understand.
She sighed and ruffled his mane up near his ears. “C’mon, you old nag. I really don’t want to be here.”
His right ear swiveled around one more time, then he responded to her steering, taking them both away from that field. They made their way casually back toward the ranch. When they were almost back to the stables, she turned Zeus to the right, away from the building. They passed the house and she pointed him toward a lone tree in the distance, letting him plod along at his own pace.
Some time later, they arrived at the tree. She halted him and swung a leg over him, carefully dismounting from the great height. She reached into the saddlebag, and pulled out an oat treat for him, holding it out in her flat palm. When he took it, she pulled the rein over his head and led him over to the brand new stone set into the earth, and beside two older stones. She didn’t know how long she stood there, in silence.
“I miss you so much,” she said, as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. “It’s so hard sometimes. But you’ll be glad to know everyone’s taking care of me, making sure I don’t waste away. Even Zeus here. I don’t think you’d believe that he’s been carrying me around lately.” She turned to the stallion, running her hand over his muzzle. “But I think he needs it just as much as I do.” She let him wander around, sniffing at the strange protrusion. “I love you. I know you knew that, but I still wish I’d said it more.”
A sigh escaped her and she just stayed there for a while, her, and Zeus, and him. She didn’t know how long she stayed there, but when she was done, she took the reins in one hand, touched the other to the stone for a moment, then turned and began the walk back to the stable.
Just her and Zeus.