Statzia breathed heavily as she came sliding to a halt outside of the quarters of Doctor and Patricia Crow. She had never been inside, but she knew where it was–as well as having memorized the locations of living spaces for about half the crew already. She flexed her hands against the wrappings across her knuckles and she bounced on the balls of her feet. She’d been in the middle of a rather intense holodeck program–mostly taking out her anger at the events of the previous afternoon–when the Doctor-husband had reached out. It was ‘an emergency’ he said. She had just pressed the door chime when she heard screaming from the other side of the door. Multiple screams.

“Computer, security override Liski-Zero-Two-Gamma-Gamma-Five!” The door slid open and she rushed inside.

 

Patricia stood in the middle of the living room with a squirming kitten toddler on her shoulder while Keiran ran around her in circles holding up a shuttle toy.  He bound off around the dining table before circling her again.  

 

Her expression wasn’t angry or frustrated, in fact it was nearly blank.  Her eyes went to Statzia as she entered the room.

 

The infant feline let out another screech, and Statzia halted her steps. “Oh–” Patricia hadn’t so much as flinched at the sound. She looked exhausted and…lost. Had she slept at all? “Oh, hon…” She knew that haunted look, and had seen it on her own face decades before.

 

Statzia took several steps forward, intercepting Keiran before he careened into Patricia, catching him by the armpits and swinging him off his feet. She spun the boy, deftly dodging the table and Patricia before making crashing sounds and dumping them both onto the sofa.

 

Patricia watched them and gave a very faint grin as Keiran jumped up and ran into his room to continue his adventure.  Readjusting the little girl, she took a seat on the couch.  “Evelyn is with the Captain for a little bit settling on arrangements.  I told her I could watch this one.  And then Chance got called into work.”  Her tone was factual but flat. “Why’re you here?”

 

“For you.” Statzia’s expression softened. “The Doc called. Said he called to check in on you and you didn’t answer–and he heard the kids screaming. Told me it was an emergency and to come to your quarters ASAP.” She gave a quiet sigh. “I think his exact words were ‘You’ll know what to do’.”

 

“I’m okay, we’re all okay.”  She softly stroked the child’s back.  “I should be a better hostess.  Do you want something to drink?”

 

“You’re not okay, and it’s okay to not be okay right now. Frankly, you look like hell, and I don’t need you to play hostess.” Statzia wasn’t sure why, but she put a hand on Patricia’s knee. It was the kind of thing the counselor might do, even though it seemed a little awkward for her to try it. “You’re going to point me in the direction of the fresh diapers, and let me borrow your dermal regenerator before the boy notices my bloody knuckles. And then you’re going to go take a shower and put on a fresh change of clothes.”

 

Patricia’s eyes went to the hand on her knee and followed it up the arm to Statzia’s face.  The diapers are in the red bag,” she nodded at it, “and one of the regenerators are in a med kit in the kitchen.”  Her fingers curled to scratch behind the child’s ear. “You sound like Chance, like I’ve lost my mind. I think he’s so used to death that he can process it without thinking much about it.  I’ve rarely been on this side of it, I’m normally causing it.  It makes me think of who else I’ll lose in my life.  This is why I never got close to people.”

 

“If I’m being honest,” Statzia gave a shrug, “it sounded like your husband has read my file–or, at least, the part of my career that isn’t heavily redacted.” Statzia’s gaze fell to the floor, letting the silence linger for a few moments. “I lost an entire away team under my command. And trust me, you’ve not gone crazy–I was so fractured after they hauled me out from the rubble that I attacked and stabbed an orderly. They kept me sedated for so long that I missed every single funeral, including my best friend and–” 

 

Statzia’s voice cracked, and she stopped her thought. “You’re not crazy. You’re grieving.”

 

“He keeps telling me that too but….” she shrugged.  “Once everything settles down I’m going to go through all the information and figure out where she is.  Might be embedded in the coding, I’ve heard that happened before.”

 

Statzia gave Patricia’s knee a squeeze. “The Chief was up most the night trying to do the same thing. Her pattern never came through. There’s–nothing for us to bring home. It’s like her pattern just–disintegrated. They had the transporter half-dismantled, trying to diagnose what happened, to figure out why she just–well, the Chief said it was like she evaporated.”

 

“He could be wrong.”  She bounced the cub on her knee.  “She deserves to have them both raising her.  She didn’t ask for this.”

 

“He’s not wrong. He’s the smartest engineer I know aside from Moro. If he couldn’t find her–” Statzia gave a quiet sigh as the cub snagged a claw on the blood-spattered wrappings on her hands. “I was a little younger than this one when my mother died on a salvaging run. I can’t say it’s easy–”

 

“Things like this don’t just happen.”  She stood, pacing with the child.  “I know nobody wants to believe me or thinks I’m crazy.  But I’ll find her because that’s what she’d do for me.”

 

Statzia remained seated, her hands slowly unwrapping the cloths from her hands. “I wanted to do the same thing…after Tallin died. They never found the bodies, and it–it just didn’t seem real. And it didn’t seem fair that he had–so much more. And it’s not fair. The universe takes the good ones and leaves the rest of us behind.”

 

“One more reason I’ve never been big on religion.”  She watched Keiran come out of his bedroom.

 

“I’m hungry.”

 

Patricia nodded.  “I’ll make lunch.  While I do, why don’t you practice your piano?”

 

“Do I have to?”

 

She considered.  “No, you can play.”

He gave her a big smile and ran back to the room as she moved to the kitchen.  “We all move forward because we have to.  Anyone who doesn’t isn’t long for the world anyways.” 

 

Statzia stood, following Patricia to the kitchen. She tossed the hand wrappings in the matter recycler and quickly located the medkit. “Let me hold the kid for a bit. I’ll replicate some lunch.”

 

Patricia offered the toddler, leaning back against a wall.  “I’ve never really lost someone like this.  Technically my parents but they’re alive as far as I know in a protection program.”

 

Statzia balanced the kitten on her hip, flipping on the dermal regenerator and starting in on her hands. “You still feel it twenty years later. I tried filling the hole with other things, but nothing ever took the ache away. Did everything I could to destroy my body and my career, but you still feel their absence.”

 

“Fantastic,” Patricia’s tone was flat as she poured a drink for her son. “Makes me miss the days of not giving a shit about anyone or anything.”

 

Statzia let out a singular chuckle. “Yeah, I tried that, too. Not sure I liked doing that for the last twenty years.” She gave her head a shake. “Look, I’m not going to sugar coat this, or give you platitudes. It’s going to hurt really bad for a long while. It might take a couple of years, but you’ll have a moment where you’ll realize that if you don’t let people back in, well–you end up like me. And I don’t want that for anyone.”

 

“I don’t really have the choice to shut people out, I have to protect them.”  She paused.  “If the offer is still valid, I think I might grab that shower now.”

 

Statzia nodded, shifting La’lana to her other hip, allowing her to repair the knuckles on her other hand. “Go ahead,” she said, gesturing with her chin towards the other bedroom.

 

Patricia crossed the room, shutting the door behind her.

 

Statzia blew a raspberry in the neck of the kitten. “Hey kid,” she hollered to Keiran. “What all do you like on your pizza?”